Catching Up

I'm happy for some of my high school friends who I still catch online as we chat on how things are since those days in uniform. Some have been moving up the corporate ladder while others move to another company that gives them a better chance to further develop professionally. As for me, it's official that I've been a self-confessed bum for 2 months waiting for the right time to start the right career to settle in... I just couldn't see myself working at customer service for long.

Even before that time I've insisted on a longshot aviation career that would cost my dad almost half of his annual salary, a bit of ass-kissing, and possibly a couple of years in training. That way, I don't have to worry about any sort of quarter-life crisis when the times comes because there would be no turning back once I'm given that chance with that career. As for my education, a lot of people know I've wasted a good 2-3 years in college trying to be someone I'm not. I'm also weighing my options with this AB-Consular & Diplomatic Affairs degree I got almost a year ago (it was interesting and it compensated the wasted years of my previous college) as I don't want to work in that field if I won't be a Foreign Service Officer... and no, I'm not settling for just any Civil Service elligible (which I'm not yet) work.

What worries me the most is that I tried too hard not to be like everyone else that I ended up asking the wrong questions for my provisional career and in doing so, I question my own desire. I look too far ahead and see myself flying in the sky or walking on invoilable land when I should just be asking myself just these two questions: "is this what I want?" and "how bad do I want it?". I don't have enough faith right now to declare: "this is what I'm meant to do" so it's harder for me to believe in the evidence of things unseen if I can't even believe in myself. What I do know is that I'm already behind schedule and the best way for me to catch up is to decide what I want and be at peace with that decision.

**OT**
China, here I come... to learn more about my roots.

Thr Price Of Doing Nothing

In all honesty, I'm troubled that I always seem to have an inconsistent response as to why it's been almost two months and I'm paying the price of taking too much time off. It hurts to know people who think of me as "all talk". As much as I've wanted to prove them wrong (been doing it for half of my very young life), the fact is no one cares if I prove anything or not... it just shows that I'm looking out and living for myself. Where I come from, looking out and living for one's own being is more insulting than it is an act of independence.

I'm learning things the hard way. Being busy whether in school, at work, or running a business is indeed stressful however life is simpler that way than having all the time in the world to think about the future and try to make ammends for past miscues at the same time. C'est la vie... we can't expect to please everyone we'll ever meet, most people are content to be mere acquaintances than friends especially after a long time apart from each other's presence, and most of our enemies will forget what happened in the past but won't forget about us. The more preoccupied we are, the less we even think about those things I just mentioned.

Just last week, a dear member of the household died. Barkley, a Japanese Spitz who's been with us for 11 years fell off the steps one night where he was usually leashed and got strangled by his own choker. I cried because I should have done something when I heard him barking quite differently (that time I was online chatting). His distinct bark was a staple in our home but when he sounded in pain, I didn't even bother to go out and check why. My mom blames the two helpers downstairs who should have heard Barkley first being closer to the dogs than anyone else. When my dad arrived, he called everyone in the house "useless" not just because Barkley served his purpose as the dog who barked everytime one of our vehicles were approaching from a block away (he knew the sound of the horn and its corresponding engine) or barked whenever the doorbell rang... but because he feels as if everyone (me included) in this house except Barkley (Muggsy the Dachshund is simply a "good-looking dumb pet") just lives to have a good time while he's out earning a living. I never admitted that I actually heard Barkley bark for his life. I feel so guilty after caring for him so much when he was a puppy. By the time we grew up, I rarely took him and Muggsy out for a walk. Barkley's untimely demise is a reminder of how far I've neglected everything else around me for the past couple of months.

Summer Bumming

Here's a good reason why I shouldn't be bumming: a flying school that negates every excuse I have for enjoying my summer. I like this school's direction, they've recently partnered with the best budget carrier in the country, they get 18 qualified pilot-wannabes each month as compared to 30 to 40 each year from my first choice flying school, and their program goes against the traditional system of getting pilot licenses and instrument ratings before getting to fly a Boeing or an Airbus. Unfortunately, it seems like this one's the most expensive among the flying schools in the area, the entrance exam alone costs Php10,000 and the tuition is a few hundred thousand more than the rest. And since it's a new school, it's not as proven (in the sense that its graduates will be directly hired by an airliner) as the existing ones.

Not much has been going on... I haven't been in church or Bible study for some time (yet again), my so called "quiet time" is spent at the gym (carbs gained back every dinner), Ragnarok sucks now that Alarius Eversor is pretty much without a leader (I guess everyone's too old to play videogames), and I'm booking a trip to Boracay late April with my CSB friends. Speaking of trips, Tito is already planning a family heritage trip in Shanghai where we'll meet our Chinese relatives (our uncle from Hong Kong will be joining us). I might watch The Phantom of the Opera in Singapore as I'm due for another urban exploration in the little city-State (ended up bungee jumping with 2 Jap chick tourists last time) and fancy a chance to get a job somewhat related to my course. A trip to New York is also in the works but it's unlikely since it's only my mom and younger brother that qualify as my dad's dependents (free flights for the legal wife and legal children under 21 still in school).

I've never been so idle in my life. It's been almost 2 months since I left a short-term call-handling career (my backpay check comes next week), I refused all call center job offers I got every week since then, and I'm still waiting for an assurance of getting in a good aviation school... though I've been trying to physically prepare myself for it (fictional Spartan warriors being my motivation... AHU!), Sudoku doesn't count as mental preparation, and a once-a-week service definitely doesn't count as spiritual preparation. I have all the time in the world to do so much more and yet I'm just another summer bum that started a couple of months too early.

Those Two Words From Dick

It's been over a month since I've resigned from taking calls, my backpay check is due in a few days, and I haven't done a thing to start my flying aspirations... not even a damn NBI or police clearance. I know that there are other self-paced flying schools here, but The flying school that will actually get me to fly an Airbus or a Boeing and earn more the quickest way possible has a deadline that I don't know of. Now that I'm sick and under medication yet again, it just makes things more complicated.

Maybe I'm afraid of not qualifying... I'm a son of a pilot who left this country's flag carrier for another country's flag carrier (that pays four times more and provides well for our family), my college transcript shows records from my previous school (oh sh*t), and my medical history causes a bit of a concern (though I have perfect 20/20 vision). It's so hard to be optimistic about my chances. But in any case, I won't know about it unless I take the first step... "DO SOMETHING!"